autism, intimacy, and sexuality: navigating connection and pleasure (a short study)

(first published within a SOMa intimacy® research project in february 2025)

1. my Personal motivation and intention

2. Survey and public research analysis

a. Public information on autism and sexuality 

b. Online survey, findings and interpretation

3. Conclusion and implications on the work

1. Personal motivation and intention

I started exploring my own sexuality at a very young age. I must have been 6 or 7 years or even younger. I encountered first innocent explorations among friends during that time. My first experience having penetrative sex I had at the age of 15 with my first partner back then. Since then, I explored my sexuality with a lot of curiosity and experimentation. I never perceived myself as sexually closed off or limited. I had the privilege of exploring this realm with an open mind and surrounding myself with friends and lovers that were encouraging as well. In recent years in my thirties (especially while dating a lot of people in a short period of time and exploring non-monogamous / polyamorous relationship dynamics), I then realized that something was missing fundamentally. I lacked a certain connection to my body and especially my bodily emotions and the capability to express my needs and what I was feeling. I often felt foggy around that and also lacked adequate vocabulary. I connected a lot with shame around that and finally decided to change something. I started CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and entered spaces of healing, sensual and sexual exploration, as well as embodiment, did several retreats and trainings to embark on a journey of self acceptance, self exploration and (re-)connection. 

Eventually my therapist voiced that she suspected that I might be on the autism spectrum (autism spectrum disorder). I entered a rabbit hole and researched, conducted several online tests (which suggested the same) and I realized that it made a lot of sense: the ways I navigate social situations, my ways of communication and challenges that come with it. Especially being in social group situations could be easily overwhelming for me. It was definitely a missing puzzle piece within my journey of self acceptance, gaining a better understanding of myself and healing. I could see that being on the spectrum has influenced my way of getting intimate: my difficulty having small talk, my difficulty transitioning acquaintances into more solid intimate friendships (or at least needing more time in doing so), my inability to feel into my emotions and to express them, my overwhelment in bigger social groups, and thus the development of some of my kinks in this regard, foremost my interest in group play, role play and certain BDSM dynamics, where roles are clearly defined and enacted.          

When two potential clients recently approached me to inquire about possibilities to work together, they mentioned that they were on the autism spectrum as well and that both of them feel that this part of them brings challenges into their intimate lives, especially while engaging with intimate partners. Both of them elaborated that they often connect with feelings of insecurities, body shame, anxiety, feeling clueless, not able to feel into their own needs and boundaries and not able to understand the ones of their intimate partners either. They perceived themselves as “weird”, “very different” or often “too much”. Instantly, I decided to work with them. I could immediately feel that there was a lot of curiosity, openness and excitement in my body to explore this work together. I shared about my autism story as well and it created a lot of resonance and bonding right away. 

During our first sessions, it became obvious to me what they were referring to in their initial sharings. I could sense a lot of openness and curiosity, but at the same time some insecurity and fear of being too much. And I could also witness that autism is in fact a spectrum disorder: characterization, needs, challenges, experiences differ (a lot). 

I wanted to understand more and better how other people with ASD experience their intimate life. I became keen to explore and research more about the life realities of people with autism and their challenges navigating their intimate life and if there is a special need for body-based work focussing on sexuality. 

2. Survey and public research analysis

To learn more about autism and its effect on people’s intimate and sexual life as well as their body awareness and healing experiences, I decided to combine researching publicly available information, e.g. blog articles of experts and opinion leaders, studies, and other public sources, as well as conducting an online survey myself, to ask additional questions that are of special interest to me and also to get already in touch with members of the target group directly. (ONLINE SURVEY).

a. Public information on autism and sexuality 

According to PSYCHCENTRAL.COM (LINK) and based on several representative studies, Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) doesn't impede sexual development or the capacity to experience sexual relationships. However, individuals with autism may encounter unique challenges in areas such as communication, sensory sensitivities, and social interactions, which can influence their sexual experiences and intimate relationships. For instance, difficulties in interpreting non-verbal cues or understanding social norms can lead to misunderstandings between partners. Additionally, sensory sensitivities might affect comfort levels during physical intimacy. It comes to the conclusion that open communication, education, and practical problem-solving are essential strategies to help neurodiverse relationships thrive. The study Sexuality in autism: hypersexual and paraphilic behavior in women and men with high-functioning autism spectrum disorder (2017, LINK) suggests as well, that individuals with ASD often seek sexual experiences and relationships; however, their ability to develop and maintain romantic and sexual connections is significantly impacted by challenges in social and communication skills. Difficulties in interpreting nonverbal cues, subtle social interactions, and mentalization—the ability to understand their own and others’ emotions, desires, and thoughts—can further complicate these experiences. Additionally, many individuals with ASD do not receive sex education tailored to their unique behavioural needs and are less likely to obtain information about sexuality through social channels. 

A study by Garfinkel et al. (Discrepancies between dimensions of interoception in autism: Implications for emotion and anxiety, 2016, LINK) suggests something very interesting: autistic people report higher awareness of bodily sensations while doing more poorly on objective measures. This suggests that, on average, the autistic person has difficulty objectively detecting bodily signals while simultaneously experiencing an over-inflated perception of bodily sensations. This means that an autistic person may experience (subjective) heightened signals while being less accurate in their ability to objectively measure and interpret these signals: oversensitivity with lower ability to interpret. 

Apparently, there is a correlation between people with ASD and the incapability of interoception, the internal sense of bodily awareness, which is crucial for recognizing emotions and physiological states. Interoception is essential for both basic and complex functions, such as recognizing the need to use the bathroom or understanding when emotions like anger or distress are arising. Research indicates that autistic individuals often experience differences in interoception, which can impact their emotional and sexual experiences (pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov). Challenges in identifying internal cues may lead to difficulties in recognizing physiological and emotional responses related to sexual arousal, potentially influencing sexual satisfaction (neurosciencenews.com). These interoceptive differences can also affect emotional regulation. A study found that the relationship between interoception and emotion regulation is complex, with variations observed between genders (pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov). Addressing interoceptive challenges through targeted therapies may enhance emotional understanding and intimacy for autistic individuals. For autistic individuals, interoceptive development can slow down or even stall at any age. The exact cause of this is unclear, but one possible explanation is a self-protective response linked to trauma. Since many autistic individuals experience trauma, this may contribute to a reduced or disrupted awareness of internal bodily signals (Dr. Emma Goodall, 2022, LINK): “This can result in anger becoming rage, sadness becoming distress and so on. Other people can perceive this as dysregulation or a lack of emotional maturity.”, Dr. Goodall suggests. Dr. Goodall developed a questionnaire to inquire about the individual’s capabilities of interoception: Interoception Evaluation and Support Plan. This plan is widely used in occupational therapy, special education, and mental health settings to support autistic individuals in gaining a stronger connection to their body and emotions, improving their ability to navigate daily life and relationships. 

Summing up, the survey findings suggest that autistic individuals often experience a disconnect between their bodily sensations and their ability to accurately interpret them, impacting emotional regulation, physical intimacy, and sexual satisfaction. However, with targeted interventions such as body-based therapies, structured sex education, and open communication, autistic individuals can enhance their interoceptive awareness, leading to more fulfilling and informed intimate relationships.

b. Online survey, findings and interpretation

To find out more and to ask questions regarding special needs for body-based work focussing on sexuality, I prepared and conducted an online survey, inviting people with autism to share their individual experiences and needs (“autism, intimacy, and sexuality: navigating connection and pleasure”; LINK). 

The survey is structured in questions inquiring about the individuals a. biography, b. personal experiences and self-understanding, c. communication and relationships, d. autism-specific experiences, e. cultural and societal influences, f. pleasure and exploration, g. support and inclusion. As of February, 4th 2025, 24 individual respondents with an average age of 33 participated (more participants incoming). 13 of them identified as women (cis-woman, female, woman), six identified as men (cis-man, male, man) and four as non-binary and one genderqueer. 

46% of respondents see the understanding of their sexuality as evolving or uncertain. Only 21% perceive it as clear and well-defined. 13% see it as confusing and complex. Only 33% of respondents prefer direct verbal communication of their needs, desires and boundaries in intimate situations. 63% prefer written or non-verbal communication or find it even difficult at all to communicate these needs. Only 33% of respondents would describe their vocabulary around expressing their body awareness as rich and feeling confident to describe it. Over 60% feel that they only have some ability but feel limited or even struggle to find words to describe their body awareness. The vast majority (80%) face difficulty understanding their own needs, boundaries and emotions when connecting with another person and 63% feel overwhelmed at times by the experience. 50% struggle with verbal communication in that realm. This suggests that a significant number of individuals experience uncertainty in understanding their sexuality, face challenges in verbally expressing their needs and boundaries in intimate situations, and often struggle to find the right words to describe their body awareness, highlighting the need for alternative communication strategies and greater support in developing interoceptive and expressive skills.

In the open question about what qualities are most important in an intimate or sexual relationship, the most frequent qualities mentioned were “trust”, “safety”, “emotional connection”. Asking the question whether the respondents feel their experiences with intimacy and sexuality are influenced by being on the autism spectrum, it becomes obvious that a lot of the respondents are regularly facing challenges: 

• “In so many ways. Lack of body and emotional literacy as well as sensory sensitivities I think are the most significant ways.” 

• “I need partners who can communicate clearly, in words. I don't want to be trying to guess what they're thinking.”

• “Yes. it makes me highly passive - I don’t know how to initiate something or make a move without it feeling horribly wrong, like I’m violating the other person’s boundaries.”

• “Sexuality was once my special interest. Heightened senses make play super intense and sometimes overwhelming. Delicate nervous system makes non-monogamy almost impossible. Sexuality can become my hyper fixation quite easily.”

• “Yes. I feel more overwhelmed by engaging in sexual activity. It’s often too much and too fast. I tend to fawn & not speak up. Also, it is very hard to focus. I tend to be in my head a lot. Meeting a sexual partner, I tend to already think about scenarios and potential overwhelm or crossing boundaries, which makes it hard for me to stay open.”

The responses highlight that autistic individuals often face significant challenges in intimacy and sexuality, with common struggles including difficulties in body and emotional literacy, sensory sensitivities, communication barriers, and anxiety around boundaries—yet trust, safety, and emotional connection remain the most valued aspects of their relationships.

With the most mentions 80% of respondents say that “discussing with friends and partners” is a preferred recourse that helps to explore their sexuality. 75% claim “personal exploration” as helpful. But only 46% tried “therapy or coaching” for that. A vast majority of over 60% feel either “very safe” or “somewhat safe, but it depends on the context and partner” exploring BDSM dynamics, where enacting a certain predefined role can create clear guidance.

A vast majority of 67% have the desire to expand and learn more about their body awareness. 25% do somewhat have the desire, but are unsure about how to approach it. No one mentioned that they don’t have the desire. 38% of respondents would be very interested in a 1:1 (or couple) accompanying sessions of somatic exploration (vs. 29% participating in group processes). And 34% are maybe interested, but need more to learn about it first (vs. 42% participating in group processes).     

When being openly asked about what aspects and issues of their sexuality and intimacy they would like to explore or take care of, respondents answered (among others):

• “Fear of expressing needs or desires.”

• “I want intimacy to be as exciting or fantastical as it is in my dreams and fantasies. When it is happening in real life I feel guarded and somehow worried, limiting what I do or allow my partner to do.”

• “Overthinking” and “lack of presence”, “Sex addiction”, “acceptance of my body” or “body shame”, “Sensory sensitivities” 

• “Communicating my needs”, “accepting my sexual identity”

• “Sometimes I feel trapped in the female gender role and I struggle initiating intimacy, I prefer “being seduced” and my autistic partner often misses my subtle signs, which leaves me feeling rejected.”

• “Sex addiction, attachment issues, acceptance of my body, enhancement of pleasure.”

• “I still have trust issues with male bodies, especially when they identify as cis and heterosexual. This shows as my body not opening and often autopilot kicking in.”

• “Sensory sensitivities that get in the way of my partner’s desires for intimacy (kissing - mouths are fucking gross).”

• “Touch sensitivity (cold to merging completely); body presence; communicating my needs; accepting my sexual identity; letting go of feeling shame about my sexual behaviour.”

The responses reveal that while autistic individuals actively seek to explore their sexuality through discussions with friends, partners, and personal exploration, many are hesitant to engage in therapy or coaching and find safety in the structured roles of BDSM; a majority express a strong desire to enhance body awareness, address challenges such as fear of expressing needs, overthinking, sensory sensitivities, and body shame, and seek greater acceptance of their sexual identity and improved communication in intimate relationships.

3. Conclusion and implications on the work

Reading these survey findings deeply resonates with my own experiences as an autistic individual navigating intimacy, sexuality, and body awareness. The challenges of struggling to communicate needs and bodily emotions and feeling disconnected from my body in intimate moments are all too familiar. Like many respondents, I have found that traditional talk-based approaches often fall short in addressing these embodied struggles, which is why body-based work and somatic sexuality practices feel so transformative and bear huge potential especially for individuals with ASD. Additionally, being on the spectrum myself not only helps to understand the individuals more, but can also create initial trust, making them feel seen and create a bond. This can be especially helpful.   

The SOMA Intimacy Approach, with its emphasis on gentle, slow and body-based process work by accompanying individuals with granting them full autonomy about their own experience, can be of special benefit. Practicing mindful embodiment and sensory awareness, holds immense potential for autistic individuals, offering tools to bridge the gap between mind and body, enhancing both self-connection and intimacy with others. 

Somatic approaches, such as somatic regulation, body mapping, or guided touch exercises, can help autistic individuals reconnect with their bodies and emotions in an experiential way in a safer space of learning without judgement. Somatic regulation and body part mapping help to build interoceptive awareness by identifying areas of comfort and discomfort, fostering a deeper sense of body autonomy. Building up own individual resources and incorporating working with the five pillars of embodiment, supports nervous system regulation, reducing anxiety and increasing presence in intimate moments. Guided and conscious touch exercises, like the Wheel of consent, practiced alone or with a partner, create safer, structured ways to explore sensation, boundaries, and pleasure without pressure.

All this (and more) can help individuals with ASD to gain higher body awareness and thus, help to find more safety navigating intimacy, connection and pleasure. With themselves and others. 

Berlin, February 6th, 2025